And suddenly the holidays are upon us…
The holidays are upon us, and decorations are up in many of our homes. The chill in the air bring up memories of holidays past filled with whipped cream topped drinks, bright lights, and perhaps rituals and traditions celebrated with family and friends. For others, these memories tear at the inner most parts of them and remind them of the absence of people who are no longer in their lives. Truth is there are no fixes for these memories because memories keep loved ones alive in us and the capacity to love is one of the greatest gifts given to mankind
So what should we keep in mind in managing our own loneliness or that of a friend or family member this holiday?
To the lonely or grieving, it is important to find balance between participating in events and celebrations and staying home. For many there is a tendency to isolate and pull away, though this feels easy it ultimately only leads to more loneliness and leaves space to ruminate. Instead, attend events that are more intimate, spaces where it is possible to feel seen and connect with people at a deeper level. Consider creating room where you may even talk about a lost loved one openly and share good memories.
Friends/family be easy. I know you want to be helpful, but your friend/family may just not be up to attending that awesome, crowded event. Instead offer to do something more personal and intimate like things done at home. Cooking dinner for a small handful of close friends, going for walks with hot chocolate as the star, and most importantly leave space for them to talk or not talk. Let your friend/family the set the tone, and remember you’re not a therapist.
Friends/family it is okay to let your loved one know that you miss them, however, try to abstain from making them feel guilty for their absence. They more than likely feel badly enough for not being able to show up, and guilt tripping them will only force them to isolate even more. Instead, do check ins and always remind them that there is always a space for them.
To the lonely, remember it is okay to live out loud. Often times feeling lonely is more about feeling unseen. Ask yourself, have you been able to be authentic with the people that surround you, the people that you call your friends and family? If not, why not? Have you given your community the opportunity to know you? If not, perhaps this holiday is a great time to show them who you are and let the secret out. Dare to be authentic!
To the grieving, it is okay to go on living. You will be experiencing an array of emotions, and some days will be more difficult than others. But one of the most common feelings are that of survivors guilt. You deserve to go on, you will laugh again, enjoy things again and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Friends/family should refrain from saying things like “it’s time to just get back out there” or “how long are you going to sulk for.” Grieving is an individual process and the process is different for everyone. Please do not place a timetable on your loved ones grief, instead create a space for them and meet them wherever they are in their process. Be honest with yourself if it’s too much for you to handle and be honest with your loved one.
And finally, and most importantly, lead with love during the holidays and really all year around. Be mindful of the people you generally take for granted and don’t pay attention to. Everyone deserves to be seen and loved and told that they are seen and loved. Remember that the holidays are not about the money we spend but the memories being made.
